When you read these lines, you will often be overwhelmed by anger, seeking – a human, yet mistaken, reaction – the culprit; who might be to blame, who is hiding behind the difficulties each protagonist faced – and therefore behind your own as well. The critical mother, the distant father, the inconsistent ex, the resigned current partner... Don’t do it.
We don’t do it in psychotherapy either. The answer to the question “Who is to blame?” is never simple. And it is certainly not just a name. Relationships are not straight lines with a Subject and an Object. Relationships are circles, like the links of a chain, each time meeting, intertwining, and balancing in their own unique way. Everyone has their own path with their own obstacles, missteps, clearings, uphills, and downhills. The wounded sometimes hurt, sometimes get hurt, sometimes strike, and sometimes feel pain. So, we are not looking for the culprit. We want to understand so we can move forward differently.