Dear reader, if you have just picked up this book, it is not too late to put it aside. As with the previous books in the series, the only things you will find within its pages are wretchedness, despair, and misery, so you have a little time to choose to read something else.

In this story, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire encounter a dark staircase, a misleading clue, the tragic condition of their friends, three mysterious initials, a con artist with a diabolical scheme, a secret passageway, and soda with parsley.

I have sworn to document the story of the Baudelaire orphans so that the public can learn all the terrible things that happened to them; however, if you decide to read something else, the only thing that is certain is that you will escape great terror and endless sorrow.

With all my respect,

Lemony Snicket