Dear reader,

You have evidently chosen this book by mistake, so the best thing you can do is put it down. No sane person would consciously read this particular book, which faithfully and bleakly chronicles the tragic moments experienced by Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire in the village of E.P.S.

I cannot think of any reason why anyone would want to open a book that contains so many unpleasant events, such as migratory crows, an angry mob, the headline of a newspaper, the arrest of innocents, the Luxury Cell, and some very strange hats.

I have taken it upon myself the great and sacred mission to investigate and document every detail of the Baudelaire orphans' lives, but you can undertake another great and sacred mission, for example, to read another book.

With all my respect,

Lemony Snicket