Dear reader,

Undoubtedly, you have accidentally chosen this book, so please put it down immediately. Anyone in their right mind would not intentionally read this particular book about the lives of Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, because even the slightest detail of their unfortunate stay at the E.A.P. is documented on its pages.

I can't think of a single reason why anyone would open a book that contains unpleasant themes, such as crows migrating from place to place, a rioting crowd, a newspaper headline, the capture of innocents, the Deluxe cell, and some very peculiar hats.

It is a heavy duty and a sacred obligation that I have to thoroughly investigate the lives of the Baudelaire orphans and record them, but you could do something else heavy or sacred, like reading another book.

[Excerpt from the text on the back cover of the edition]